Back on the Horse: Week 6 Thursday Night Football Pick

NinaIllingworth October 14, 2016December 30, 2020 ape, Atlanta Falcons, Back on the Horse, Carolina Panthers, Denver Broncos, Football, Gambling, Greek Tragedy, Humor, LA, Melvin Gordon, NFL, NFL Picks, Paxton Lynch, Pete Carroll, Philip Rivers, Planet of the Apes, Russell Wilson, San Andreas fault, San Antonio, San Diego Chargers, Site Updates, Spanos family, Sports, Stringer Bell, Thursday Night Football, TNF, Trevor Siemian

Editor’s note: well, after what feels like an eternity but was probably more like ten to twelve days; I’m back.

I’m not really interested in devoting a lot of words to explain my absence (and the ensuing lack of content here on ninaillingworth.com) except to say; I spent some time with a sick cat, the news was objectively so crazy I could barely keep track of it all and at some juncture, I kinda wore down to the point of becoming edgy, angry and mildly depressed. Eventually, between watching supposedly moral/professional media protect a rapist and elevate a hack journalist pedophile, only to watch those same people fully prove that they understand the importance of addressing sexual assault and believing the claims of the abused; I basically lost my shit. It probably didn’t help things when I went 3-9-1 picking football on Sunday – an objectively fantastic beating of proportions I’ve haven’t seen since early last season; picking football is hard friends, that’s why Vegas is still in business.

Regardless, I’m pretty sure the situation is more “bad week” than “epic life crisis” and I suspect the proof in this lies in the fact that I finally *can* write again after roughly a week of absurdly frustrating writer’s block; nobody’s immune to staring evil in the face all day I guess but I’m putting my best foot forward and trying to get back on the horse if you’ll pardon my tortured cliches for a moment. As always picks are made against the Pinnacle line at the time I write the column, our choice to win is listed first and home teams are printed in all caps. Please be reminded this website is not responsible in any way if you lose money gambling on football after taking the advice of a woman who just dropped a 3-9-1 Sunday on the world; caveat emptor.

PS – those of you looking for non-football content are advised not to worry, I’m working on something tonight and with any luck we’ll publish several pieces over the next week or so; it’s just that the football picks are set to a clock (the league schedule) and the corruption articles/info memes are more flexible. I haven’t quit on you guys; it’s just been a crazy week in the world of political corruption & imperialist warmongering.

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Broncos (-3) over CHARGERS:

Holy sweet mother of god did we get our asses handed to us on a plate this Sunday and I can say with some certainty that I personally earned every minute of it by not trusting what my eyes had already told me; of all the horrible, completely fucking fetid picks I made last week the one that pisses me off the most is picking the Broncos to beat Atlanta because I honestly suspected the Falcons would win it outright – the line between genius and goat is very thin indeed when it comes to wagering on pro football my friends.

The simple truth is that despite all of the kind words from the media and his coaching staff, Bronco’s rookie quarterback Paxton Lynch just isn’t any fucking good yet; he’s not horrible, in fact you could even argue that he’s above average for a rookie taken at the end of the first round but in the here and now, Lynch is the football equivalent of Stringer Bell’s “forty-five degree day.” It was asking way, way too much of him to come out and beat a surging Falcons team that truly exemplifies that the NFC South is a wormhole of goddamn chaos and pain for gamblers who never know which previously awful squad is going to run away with the division at 13-3 every single season. NFC South football, is literally fucking voodoo my friends but at least we now know the Falcons are going to be the “it” team in the division this season.

The good news for the Broncos is that Lynch and his staggering inability to sense the goddamn pass rush even when he’s been holding onto the ball for seven Mississippi’s is back on the bench and Bronco’s break out sensation Trevor “Damned Dirty Ape” Siemian and his lightning quick release return under center to take on the San Diego Chargers this week in front of a half empty stadium full of fans who know without question the Chargers would rather be in LA or San Antonio right now; good times. Don’t get me wrong, Siemian isn’t exactly a “star quarterback” or anything and I strongly suspect he’ll eventually lose this job to Lynch (who’s a mutant goddamn freak, athletically) a couple of years down the road, but right now he just does all the things Denver’s violent, aggressive defense needs to get the win – which mostly consists of not giving up field position by getting sacked and chaining the occasional pair of first downs together when the Bronco’s homicidal pack of rampaging berserkers in the front seven needs to catch it’s breath for a moment; playing quarterback with an elite defense has a way of making future Taco Bell managers like Siemian look like superstars.

As for the Chargers, San Diego has once again become the “team that’s just good enough to break the cover and cost us money but ultimately still sucks so much it’s impossible to justify betting on them” for me this year after occupying that role for much of last season. At this point, the Chargers are essentially twenty guys who should be working at a fucking Target, Melvin Gordon and the objectively virile Philip Rivers; who has recently become something of a Greek-style, tragic hero figure for sportswriters who’ve finally realized San Diego is forcing one of the game’s elite quarterbacks to waste his last remaining years in the league propping up a franchise that reeks like fresh dog shit and exists only to line Spanos family’s pockets through the NFL’s absurdly lucrative television deals. In other words, yes – the San Diego Chargers are probably the best reason on earth to actively pray the San Andreas fault line finally gives away and the entire west coast floats out into the ocean; we might even get rid of “allegedly human” poseur dipshits Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll in the process!

As much as I respect Rivers just for getting out of the bed in the goddamn morning with eight kids and while propping up a horrible Chargers franchise; this game isn’t even going to be close. San Diego will probably come out of the gates fast, they might even take an early lead but we’re talking about a Broncos defense that held Julio Jones to two catches for 29 yards last week; he had 300 yards the week before against Carolina. This should be a slaughter.

Last Week: 4 – 9 – 1

2016 Season: 36 – 39 – 2