Cardinal Sins: Week 5 Thursday Night Football Pick

Editor’s Note: well, it certainly has been a long but at times rewarding week for me; before we start I’d like to inform you all that Ginger appears to be doing quite a bit better. Admittedly, we are still fighting cancer so I am by no means suggesting that everything is suddenly fine; but for now, it seems as though I’ve been granted a little more time with my best friend and frankly I’ve been using it – which is why there’s been a little less new content than normal, please accept my apologies for the interruption and future interruptions in advance. 

As always picks are made against the Pinnacle line at the time I write the column, our choice to win is listed first and home teams are printed in all caps. Please be reminded this website is not responsible in any way if you take gambling advice from a deranged madwoman who somehow managed to go 10-5 last weekend despite believing the Lions would easily destroy the Bears – that shit’s on you homie.

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Cardinals (-3.5) over 49ERS:

Sweet mother of all that is goddamn holy, just what in the fuck is wrong with the Arizona Cardinals? All the way back in our Week 1 column, I theorized that Carson Palmer’s performance in the NFC Championship game against Carolina last year was so astro-fucking-nomically bad that it had the potential to literally ruin his career if his head wasn’t screwed on right this season. Yes, his finger was a mess and yes there’s a reasonable goddamn chance he never should have even started that game but there’s simply no getting around the fact that Palmer went full fucking Jake Delhomme last January and at his age (36) there’s literally no guarantee whatsoever that the wheels won’t come off the Carson Palmer Experience at any fucking moment my friends.

So, are the Cardinals 1-3 despite a notably less than intimidating schedule because Palmer is burnt fucking toast? Get ready to find out tonight because he’s out for 1-3 weeks with the kind of modern head injury that turns brain tissue into a bleeding mass of tortured hamburger by the time guys hang up the cleats. Into the void steps former MSU Spartan and noted dance-machine backup quarterback Drew Stanton who must now literally save Arizona’s entire season right here, starting tonight or it won’t fucking matter if Carson Palmer has reverted to the player the habitually desperate fucking Raiders threw on the scrap heap or not – that disgusting sound you hear right now is the Arizona Cardinals fanbase collectively shitting its pants.

Fortunately for both fans and Stanton himself, Arizona is about to play the 1-3 San Fransisco 49ers who are objectively a steaming pile of fetid dogshit that has somehow managed to look progressively worse every single bloody game this season after luring us to into betting on them with a dominant Week 1 win over the LA Rams; which now looks like a complete and total aberration. At this point, I quite frankly have no goddamn clue what it is that Chip Kelly sees in 49ers starting QB Blaine Gabbert who has looked every damn bit like the washed-out bust the Jags gave up on so far this season; I’m honestly beginning to suspect Gabbert either has pictures of Kelly fucking a goat or the 49ers headman is secretly punishing backup Colin Kaepernick for his outspoken stance on police violence against African Americans – there is simply no fucking way he’s worse than Gabbert has been so far this season.

The bottom line here is that the Cardinals have too many goddamn weapons on offense to lose a game to a team seemingly hellbent on finding new ways to shoot itself in the fucking foot every week like San Francisco. Stanton doesn’t have to be a good quarterback tonight, he just has to be “less abysmal than Carson Palmer has been so far” and you can basically count on the Cardinals defense generating a couple of turnovers vs Gabbert and the moribund 49ers. As for the 49ers, expect them to continue their season long ritual murder of runningback Carlos Hyde, who Chip Kelly actually had returning punts last week because he’s completely fucking insane or simply doesn’t give a shit if the only talented player on his offense is in a body cast by November – it’s gonna be a long season in Frisco kids.

Last Week: 10 – 5 – 1

2016 Season: 32 – 30 – 1

• Nina Illingworth

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