The Real Nate Maybe

Editor’s Note: honestly, I have no goddamn idea what’s wrong with me kids; it’s like some kind of mental disease. There I was just minding my own business on Twitter when suddenly some fool types out “the *real* Nate Silver” and withing ten minutes my brain had become completely paralyzed with Nate Silver Diss Rap Filk lyrics. I accept no personal responsibility for the quality of, or your subsequent enjoyment of the following “effort” – I have been assured by many readers that there’s some sort of market for this degenerate lunacy but I’m assuming they’re just being nice. In shameful madness, I present to you – The Real Nate Maybe:

 

May I have your attention, please?

May I have your attention, please?

Will the real Nate Silver please shut up?

I repeat, will the real Nate Silver please shut up?

Do you even have an algorithm here?

 

Y’all act like you never seen a bald math-nerd before

Crying foul like whores, yo fam

Saying that my process is poor

like I ain’t served up better picks before,

the NY Times divorce – throwing me your betting slips (Naw!)

It’s the return of the…  “no way, Sanders is winning

He didn’t just say ninety-eight percent, did he?”

And Barney Frank said…. Nothing you idiots

Democracy is dead, Cenk’s locked in my basement (ha, ha!)

Neoliberal assclowns love the Nate man

“Clinton, Clinton, Clinton, Nate Silver, I’ll stick with him

Look at him, talking all loud mathing with who-knows-what,

pitching for you-know-who” “ he can’t wear a suit though”

 

Yeah, I probably got Donald Trump wrong because my math’s loose,

It’s no worse, than what’s going on in the Fox editor’s room

Sometimes, I wanna wreck NBC because they’re obtuse, I can’t

But it’s cool for Diggler to mock me; fair use!

“My numbers on your lips, my numbers on your lips”

Ripping Chris Mathews, just for random giggles and shits

Yeah that’s the message we deliver, treat you like kids

And expect you not to know what a damn exit poll is

Of course your gonna know that we forced it

By that time, I’m of course paid

Disney got that funny money, don’t they?

“BernieBros are all animals, some of them mechanical,

who think Hillary Clinton is openly tyrannical (DERP!)

But if we bust out the manacles and anecdotes

Then there’s no reason that we can’t hand Clinton another vote

Fuck your damn democracy, we got the antidote

Follow where the money goes, cable media fucking blows…

 

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

 

Karl Rove don’t wanna use math models to pick state seats,

Well I do, so fuck him and fuck Wolf too!

You think I give a damn if Clinton’s scam-y?

By the time half of you figure it out, I’m tanning in Miami

“Enten, what if he wins, aren’t you scared?”

Why? Like guys, we couldn’t lie? We’re truth impaired!

CNN can kiss me there; as if I would care?

Yo shit, little Paul-y Krugman better switch me chairs

So I can talk shit with Kristol daily and Howie Kurtz

We could just argue over who broke Glenn Beck first

Chuck Todd, could have us all on NBC

“Sure, that’s cute, but Sanders voters are a disease”

I would podcast about it on MP3

And tell the world Clinton’s gonna win through sick cheats (ARGH!)

I’m sick of you grilling my boys, shoot, all it does is annoy me

It’s like Carl Diggler has been sent here to destroy me!

And there’s a million Chapos, ask Al G

They don’t like me; they track my fails just to spite me

So tread lightly; they might wanna fight me

It just might be, they’re sick of me lying nightly…

 

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

 

My show’s some whack shit to listen to, cause I’m only giving you

Things we cooked up with Clinton’s friends inside her living room

Of course the media don’t have the balls to say it,

straight up to ya’ll and I can’t even recall , if your vote counted at all

I just get paid to spew bullshit

Even when I’m wrong, I won’t just admit it, I just spin it

“Better than ninety percent chance Clinton wins out West”

Then you wonder how can, Libs eat up these values like God’s truth?

It’s funny; ‘cause even losing doesn’t really hurt me

Right or wrong they imburse me, when you curse me, conversely

It just encourages me, to come back with a worse me

This ain’t working, I could do my podcast while I’m twerking

And not a single person, would realize that I’m Merc-ing

I could be jerking, it means noth-ing If I get to help make Kings;

coronation dates I’m circling

BernieBros are just out of luck

Network lies keep the whole damn system up

So, would the real analysts please shut up?

And don’t remind me when I do fuck up?

You damn kids really shouldn’t mind, beyond your control

It’s just more crime, that’s just the way it’s gotta go…

 

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

 

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

“Cause I’m Nate maybe, yes my math sucks baby

I think Diggler’s got rabies, he’s intim-i-dating

Why won’t the BernieBros just give up,

Just give up, just give up?

 

As previously stated, I am not responsible in any way shape or form if the the putrid insanity above causes your mind to actively rot or gives you intestinal cramps. For those of you somehow unfamiliar with the tune, the original song is called “The Real Slim Shady” and it’s by Eminem – you can see the full video below but be warned, there’s some excessive and offensive language involved:

 

 

PS – Fuck Hamilton.

 

• Nina Illingworth